Tuesday, 5 July 2011

William III & II

Your full name: King William III of England and Ireland, II of Scotland, Prince of Orange. Also France. Very definitely France. Can you let Louis know for me?

Your contact address: England, naturally. They invited me here, and I respect that.

Your education history: I spent seven years at the prestigious University of Leiden, preparing myself for the demanding responsibilities of a Stadtholder and, later, a completely invited King of England alongside my wife Queen Mary.

Your employment history: I'm not sure we need to go into that.

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
I am devoutly (if you will excuse the frivolity) interested in sustaining the Protestant Churches. If someone will remind me which one I'm part of right now, I will get right on that.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I have steadfastly prosecuted England's noble crusade against the false king Louis of France, who displays his true colours by supporting the abdicator James in his futile efforts to steal my crown (which I share with my wife, of course). It isn't about power, of course - it's about justice.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
I was part of the Glorious Revolution, in which my noble, ah, entourage and I swept the minions of the papist coward James from this sceptred isle. I am now continuing my teamwork by co-ruling this mighty nation with my wife, beloved of all, who has redeemed the reputation of the house of Stuart after the disaster wrought by her father.

What could you bring to the job?
I could bring 15,000 heavily-armed Dutch soldiers. Since I would imagine you don't want that, I recommend surr- ah, seriously considering my application.

Why do you want this job?
Firstly, to ensure the traitor James doesn't get it. Secondly, to promote the spread of Protestantism. Thirdly, it's not about power, but ruling places is getting to be something of a hobby of mine.
King William III of quite a few places - but always room for another

Sunday, 19 September 2010

George III

Your full name: King George III of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Ireland, and totally America too.

Your contact address: I'm not sure I have one of these; I think my nurse stole it.

Your education history: I have been highly educated by the trees in the palace gardens, and also by my horse; she knows many secrets.

Your employment history: I am assured that I rule over the lands of Britain, Ireland, Hanover, America, and the purple elephants.

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
My advisors tell me that 'work' is another word for 'left-handed marmalade jars'; as I have no interest in these, I am forced to the conclusion that all my interests are outside 'work'.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The people laud my great and personal victory over the American rebels, aided only by my army of gerbils - or so I am reliably informed.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
When I advised my close friend the King of the Laburnums on the best method of defeating the Rhododendron invaders, he followed my guidance to the letter. I believe that qualifies as teamwork.

What could you bring to the job?
I have a gift for getting the most out of every situation: from the untamed forest I gather my greatest counsellors, while from the American rebellion I brought about the greatest nation the world has ever seen, except the Empire of the Footballs.

Why do you want this job?
I'm not sure; my nurse told me to write this.
King George III of somewhere or other, I forget

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Henry VIII

Your full name: King Henry VIII of England, Defender of the Faith

Your contact address: Oh, probably in one of my many, many palaces.

Your education history: As befitted the younger son of a King of England, I was well tutored with an eye to my becoming a leader of the Church. The tragic death of my older brother allowed me to achieve my full potential.

Your employment history: I am the King of the greatest nation in the world, and head of the best and most true Church. What else could you require?

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
Surely even you have heard of my great musical talents, my magnificent banquets, and of course the Great Matter itself - the production of an heir. My string of unsatisfactory wives has led to a great deal of difficulty in that area. It is such a shame I could not be better rid of them.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My son, Edward, is my greatest achievement. At least until one of these women gives me one who isn't quite so sickly.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
Thomas Cromwell was one of my more competant advisors; although I was of course the driving force, he assisted in bringing about England's separation from the Pope in Rome. How sad it is that my false ministers conspired to have him executed!

What could you bring to the job?
Whatever your country's name is, it requires strong leadership. It is likely still under the opressive rule of the Pope, and needs my guidance to free it from such a weight.

Why do you want this job?
I understand there are attractive women in your country. Perhaps one of them will finally prove satisfactory.
King Henry VIII of England

Friday, 17 September 2010

Edward I Longshanks

Your full name: Edward, Hammer of the Scots

Your contact address: As near as I can get to Scotland.

Your education history: I am well educated in defeating the Scots.

Your employment history: My life is given over to defeating the Scots.

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
When not busy defeating the Scots, I defeat the Welsh instead.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The defeat of the Scots.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
My army were with me when I defeated the Scots.

What could you bring to the job?
I could defeat your Scots.

Why do you want this job?
I hear you have Scots there.
King Edward I of England
HAMMER OF THE SCOTS

Lady Jane Grey

Your full name: Queen Jane of England. Please call me Lady Jane.

Your contact address: The Royal Fortress and Palace, called the Tower of London.

Your education history: The very best. I excell in Greek, Latin and French, and am tutored in many other languages. I read from the classics daily, even now. My greatest love has been and remains Plato, with which I spent many a happy hour away from the trials of family life. My gentle tutors bred in me a love of learning, and it is in books and the written word that I find my pleasure in life.

Your employment history: I do not consider my brief spell as Queen to represent sufficient experience to qualify; rather let my application stand or fall on its own merits.

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
All that I do seems to be 'outside of work'. I pass the days reading and conversing with my husband, when I am not needed to sign some monstrous letter of slander against the Princess Mary.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I consider the greatest of all achievements to be a life well lived. As for myself, I have not yet lived so long as to achieve such greatness.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
By virtue of my youth I cannot describe an example from my own actions, but will provide one I have observed. The Duke of Northumberland - it is my honour to call him father-in-law - worked closely with His Majesty King Edward VI. In but a few years together they brought peace and religious unity to the nation of England, and great prosperity will surely follow.

What could you bring to the job?
Freed from the influence of the English court, I would apply my learning to ruling your fair country to the best of my ability. In me you would gain a queen both noble and steadfast, capable of great wisdom, whose heart is set on giving her country the best it can attain.

Why do you want this job?
It is my firm belief that the crown of England rightly belongs on the head of the Princess Mary. If it may be that I remove myself to the throne of Renitania, the path shall be open for my cousin to assume her due honours.
Queen Jane of England

Queen Victoria

Your full name: Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom, etc etc

Your contact address: Windsor Castle, Berkshire, My Country

Your education history: A full and moral education was provided for me, as befitted a princess of the House of Hanover.

Your employment history: From the tender age of eighteen years I have reigned over the United Kingdom left to me by my uncle, and also her dominions. Since 1876 I have also had the privilege of being Empress of India.

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
Although my duties as queen are taxing, I do spend a great deal of time with my family. It is one of my greatest delights to seek and find suitable matches for my children among the royals of Europe.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Under my rule, the British people prosper worldwide. It is said that the sun never sets on the British Empire, and may it always be, so that the light of civilisation and moral purity may shine on all the corners of the world.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
Lord Melbourne, my first Prime Minister, was a man of excellent moral standards, and a great tutor to me. Under his guiding hand I blossomed to my full majesty as queen, and I consider the work we did together some of the greatest of my reign.

What could you bring to the job?
I have studied the land of Renitania extensively, and I consider it on the whole to be an uncouth and backwards country whose people have forgotten their proper places in society; indeed the common virtues of men and women are in some cases wholly lacking. I would hope that my guidance might bring an end to the disruption and vice your fair land suffers under.

Why do you want this job?
It is a fact universally acknowledged that the British Empire is the greatest civilisation in all the world's history. Why should I not accept an opportunity to share that light with a new land?
Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Prince John

Your full name: King John of England. I don't have any epithets. None at all. Not one.

Your contact address: England - which is by far the best of all the lands I have ever held, and in particular, is much better than Normandy.

Your education history: My three older brothers taught me that you are given nothing in this life if you are weak - and very little if you are strong.

Your employment history:
As the youngest of four I was given nothing - I had to take all I needed. I gained my rightful honours as Richard's heir by force, and by that act brought myself to the eventual throne of England.

Please answer the following questions:
What are your interests outside work?
When would I have time for these? If I lose focus for one moment, my many enemies take advantage of it.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
... I don't want to answer that.

Describe a situation in which you have worked as part of a team.
With King Philip II of France I strove to keep my weak brother Richard away from the land he so despised. We almost succeeded.

What could you bring to the job?
I would bring the determination to do everything I could, first to hold the throne, and second to gain as many other lands for Renitania as possible. In England I had something of a run of bad luck - in your country I would have only good. Take me as your ruler if you want the best king you could possibly have.

Why do you want this job?
Due to the actions of certain barons, Frenchmen, brothers, fathers, mothers, Popes, nieces, nephews and countries (among others), my reputation has been somewhat tarnished. I would welcome a chance to restore it to its proper glory.

King John of England